So I guess we are split up now?

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind.
We got into a fight, a big one. it was basically the culmination of little fights that snowballed into a monstrosity, and now I am wearing my ring on my right hand, unsure if I should remove it- or not. I admit I was wrong, boy how did I admit it. I was not doing well with this situation.. at all! I mean- the whole reason he was away was because he decided to be. If I were the one who had a job an hour away, I would be home as much as I possibly could and not give up looking for a job nearby. Its just that simple. I mean- he is barely braking even with each check as it is, and once half starts getting garnished.. It just seems to me that practically-minimum-wage-job is not worth all of that. all of this!
Anyway so I was a big girl and apologized, profusely.And was greeted with "I love you, but I need time to think, Ill call you later tonight" Ok- that was last weekend my broken heart felt the slight warmth of optimism.

THIS week- He called, we talked for about an hour or so (longer than I think we have spoken for the last two years at once) let me go with "I love you" and everything went along fine. The rest of the week, I talked to him for roughly 5 min a day- generally before or after the boys told him about their days.

He said he would be home Saturday... he didn't come home. He called after dark and announced that he went to hooters with some buddies at work instead. That he didn't want to come home because he didn't want to sleep together and then went back to "I said I needed time to think! I just dont know about this, we fought all the time and I am finding out that I enjoy being alone" he said theres not someone else-but when I asked he was almost too quick and firm with the "NO". I remember being compared to a mother somewhere in that conversation (but that was quickly quieted by reminding him about my cleaning up after him and washing his laundry which almost seems expected) again, I apologized and promised to work on it. I dont want to lose him. I want to keep our family intact. The boys really do love him and think of him as their dad. He's been around longer than they can remember. But he said we would meet up tomorrow and that we will just take it day by day.

We met up today- so he could see the kids. I didn't feel joy in my heart when I saw him. I didn't feel much of anything. We both sat and watched the kids play, made chit-chat and hung out with my sister who tagged along. We did hug, after I had been there for about a half-hour. And it felt so good to be in his arms, if even for a moment, where everything bad in the world dissipated. For a brief moment- there was just us, and the kids playing a few yards away in their childish play, completely unaware how close everything they know is to being turned upsidedown and gone. I really wanted to be happy and enjoy our time together. I just couldnt- all that was running through my mind is all the doubt and uncertainty there is about us in his mind. When I look back, the things that come to my mind are the fun stuff we did, about the lazy mornings and laying in bed together just watching netflix and enjoying feeling the closeness.  There is nothing I want more than to have that back. When he is gone, I feel completely ripped in half- like part of me is missing. I hate waking up alone every morning and trying to snuggle with a blanket to fall asleep with at night. I've started sleeping during the day when the kids are at school, I wake up at 3, when they get home and I stay up until I get them on the bus at 730.  At night, I try to stay busy and keep my mind off of everything. When I wake up with the boys, my day is filled with homework, dinner, and general hanging out with them.
I have found my appetite has severely diminished over the last two weeks, and I have lost nearly 15 pounds, effortlessly. I am simply not hungry, and when i am hungry, I don't need as much to feel full. In the last 24 hours I have eated a box of raisins, 3 cheese sticks, 2 glasses of diluted apple juice (it was too sweet undiluted) and 7 black olives. I enjoyed every single bite too. I think biggest part of my lost appetite is simply that I developed an abscess on my upper gum (I think, there was a blister, but no toothache). After it not going away after a few days, I finally popped it. I numbed a area of it with Ambesol, took a thin needle, sterilized it in listerine, and stuck it in. A TON of whitish pink goop came out and just like that, the swelling is all gone. But I am being very careful to not eat anything that could irritate it (aka pizza sauce, soda, sugar in general) until I am sure that is it healed and taken care of. I know I ought to go to a dentist, but I just dont have the money or insurance.
But thats everything thats happened in the last couple of weeks. I don't know, I couldn't wait to see him, but when i did, I couldn't bring myself to be excited, who knows what next Friday is going to bring...

Living Together Apart

I never knew this had a name- it reminds me of what my ex (children's father) and I were going to do before he left but after we realized that our lifestyles just weren't going to mesh. Our plan was much closer though- I was going to get the rental that was right across the street. We reasoned that then, we could both be there for lil man, but I wouldn't have to put up with drinking and parties and we wouldn't have to fight constantly over it (someone didn't realize that having a kid meant you had to grow up)

I diddnt think the two situations were similar until I read the blog post by Single Mom Seeking about her and her HTB who lives 5 miles away.
http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/2010/08/married-and-living-apart/

I started to reflect on our current situation. My fiancé and I still consider ourselves to be living together- he just stays out of town for work. He comes home Friday night and stays until Sunday afternoon- then he goes back to his friends and works Monday through Friday. We wouldn't be able to move for a few more months and we don't want to pull the boys out of school mid-year so this is pretty much it until May. Fortunately the boys get out of school the Wednesday before our wedding date (purely coincidental since thats the date we have planned for a year and a half now) so that is our planned moving date. Assuming everything goes somewhat according to plan and we can save up enough (which shouldn't be much of a problem since we wont have many of the typical wedding expenses)

But anyway- thats a brief update on whats going on in life at the moment- I will write more tomorrow, but its late and I am awfully tired :D

In the meantime- here is the link to Wikipedia about L.A.T
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together