Sunday, September 12, 2010

So I guess we are split up now?

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind.
We got into a fight, a big one. it was basically the culmination of little fights that snowballed into a monstrosity, and now I am wearing my ring on my right hand, unsure if I should remove it- or not. I admit I was wrong, boy how did I admit it. I was not doing well with this situation.. at all! I mean- the whole reason he was away was because he decided to be. If I were the one who had a job an hour away, I would be home as much as I possibly could and not give up looking for a job nearby. Its just that simple. I mean- he is barely braking even with each check as it is, and once half starts getting garnished.. It just seems to me that practically-minimum-wage-job is not worth all of that. all of this!
Anyway so I was a big girl and apologized, profusely.And was greeted with "I love you, but I need time to think, Ill call you later tonight" Ok- that was last weekend my broken heart felt the slight warmth of optimism.

THIS week- He called, we talked for about an hour or so (longer than I think we have spoken for the last two years at once) let me go with "I love you" and everything went along fine. The rest of the week, I talked to him for roughly 5 min a day- generally before or after the boys told him about their days.

He said he would be home Saturday... he didn't come home. He called after dark and announced that he went to hooters with some buddies at work instead. That he didn't want to come home because he didn't want to sleep together and then went back to "I said I needed time to think! I just dont know about this, we fought all the time and I am finding out that I enjoy being alone" he said theres not someone else-but when I asked he was almost too quick and firm with the "NO". I remember being compared to a mother somewhere in that conversation (but that was quickly quieted by reminding him about my cleaning up after him and washing his laundry which almost seems expected) again, I apologized and promised to work on it. I dont want to lose him. I want to keep our family intact. The boys really do love him and think of him as their dad. He's been around longer than they can remember. But he said we would meet up tomorrow and that we will just take it day by day.

We met up today- so he could see the kids. I didn't feel joy in my heart when I saw him. I didn't feel much of anything. We both sat and watched the kids play, made chit-chat and hung out with my sister who tagged along. We did hug, after I had been there for about a half-hour. And it felt so good to be in his arms, if even for a moment, where everything bad in the world dissipated. For a brief moment- there was just us, and the kids playing a few yards away in their childish play, completely unaware how close everything they know is to being turned upsidedown and gone. I really wanted to be happy and enjoy our time together. I just couldnt- all that was running through my mind is all the doubt and uncertainty there is about us in his mind. When I look back, the things that come to my mind are the fun stuff we did, about the lazy mornings and laying in bed together just watching netflix and enjoying feeling the closeness.  There is nothing I want more than to have that back. When he is gone, I feel completely ripped in half- like part of me is missing. I hate waking up alone every morning and trying to snuggle with a blanket to fall asleep with at night. I've started sleeping during the day when the kids are at school, I wake up at 3, when they get home and I stay up until I get them on the bus at 730.  At night, I try to stay busy and keep my mind off of everything. When I wake up with the boys, my day is filled with homework, dinner, and general hanging out with them.
I have found my appetite has severely diminished over the last two weeks, and I have lost nearly 15 pounds, effortlessly. I am simply not hungry, and when i am hungry, I don't need as much to feel full. In the last 24 hours I have eated a box of raisins, 3 cheese sticks, 2 glasses of diluted apple juice (it was too sweet undiluted) and 7 black olives. I enjoyed every single bite too. I think biggest part of my lost appetite is simply that I developed an abscess on my upper gum (I think, there was a blister, but no toothache). After it not going away after a few days, I finally popped it. I numbed a area of it with Ambesol, took a thin needle, sterilized it in listerine, and stuck it in. A TON of whitish pink goop came out and just like that, the swelling is all gone. But I am being very careful to not eat anything that could irritate it (aka pizza sauce, soda, sugar in general) until I am sure that is it healed and taken care of. I know I ought to go to a dentist, but I just dont have the money or insurance.
But thats everything thats happened in the last couple of weeks. I don't know, I couldn't wait to see him, but when i did, I couldn't bring myself to be excited, who knows what next Friday is going to bring...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Living Together Apart

I never knew this had a name- it reminds me of what my ex (children's father) and I were going to do before he left but after we realized that our lifestyles just weren't going to mesh. Our plan was much closer though- I was going to get the rental that was right across the street. We reasoned that then, we could both be there for lil man, but I wouldn't have to put up with drinking and parties and we wouldn't have to fight constantly over it (someone didn't realize that having a kid meant you had to grow up)

I diddnt think the two situations were similar until I read the blog post by Single Mom Seeking about her and her HTB who lives 5 miles away.

I started to reflect on our current situation. My fiancé and I still consider ourselves to be living together- he just stays out of town for work. He comes home Friday night and stays until Sunday afternoon- then he goes back to his friends and works Monday through Friday. We wouldn't be able to move for a few more months and we don't want to pull the boys out of school mid-year so this is pretty much it until May. Fortunately the boys get out of school the Wednesday before our wedding date (purely coincidental since thats the date we have planned for a year and a half now) so that is our planned moving date. Assuming everything goes somewhat according to plan and we can save up enough (which shouldn't be much of a problem since we wont have many of the typical wedding expenses)

But anyway- thats a brief update on whats going on in life at the moment- I will write more tomorrow, but its late and I am awfully tired :D

In the meantime- here is the link to Wikipedia about L.A.T

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

He got it..

umm... huzzah? :(

Just left

I don't know which way to hope this interview goes- We defiantly need the income, but 2 hours is awfully far away..

Sunday, August 15, 2010

A job far away..

My fiancé may of found a job! The only problem is that the job is two hours away and he will be gone four days a week, possibly five.. the job doesn't pay that great, but it is a job and we definitely need something. I am not thrilled with the demands. He will only be home a few days a week, and my finding a job gets a bit more complicated since I have to be able to get the boys on and off the bus and have the freedom to stay home if they are sick. Maybe I will start making digital scrapbook kits and selling them, a good kit can go for10.00 and there is an infinite supply once I have it made.. just a thought.
Anyway- his interview is Tuesday- Ill put up an update then..

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A little background info

About us and our family-
A little over a year ago my fiancé proposed to me. I always said I was never getting married, but then he came along. We don't have a perfect relationship, but we both agree that breaking up simply isn't an option and keeping our blended family together is our number one priority. We have our fights, and we have highs and lows, but all in all we get along. He has quite a bit of baggage, and is far from perfect, but I can deal with that, because the same can be said about me and just about everyone I know.
I have two sons who live with us and he has a daughter whom he doesn't get to see right now. Our family dynamic works for us. My sons love him dearly and truly see him as a dad (not father, they know the difference despite their young age) We started dating when they were 4 and 2 so as far back as they can remember, he has been there, even accompanying us the few times we visited with their father. My oldest (who is now 7) is thrilled about us getting married and has said that he is so lucky to of been able to pick his dad. My 5 year old insists he isn't my boy, but our boy. So despite our problems, we are happy together.

Our situation-
We lost our jobs about a year ago- he is a fabricator/handyman/electrician and I was a preschool teacher and had to move from where I grew up in suburbia to where he grew up (a very small town literally surrounded by 20 miles of cornfields all directions) in his dad's house where his brother also moved into after his divorce. We finished out the basement to make an apartment. At first we thought that less people would mean less competition in the job hunt, and it does, but there are also less opportunities. So now he is trying to start our own business building three wheeled motorcycles called Trikes. I am also trying to start a business doing graphic design and am going to be going back to school this fall.

Weight loss-
I am overweight, I have been since I was about 10. One of my goals before I get married is to lose weight and reach a healthy BMI- I need to lose at least 100 lbs to get back to my high school weight, but I really ought to lose 150 (OMG thats like a person!) One of the main challenges to that is the living situation- the guys do the grocery shopping and buy man food- greasy greasy man food, if I diddnt know better, I'd swear that the guys think pizza is a food group. My fiancé also loves to cook, and the food he makes is amazing, but defiantly not low fat fare.

I currently weigh 278 and am 5'5 which gives me a BMI of about 46, to get to a healthy BMI I need to weigh between 145 and 120. I never worried too much about my weight before, but its getting to the point where I don't even feel like me anymore. I'm to tired to do much of anything and there is so much I want to do but am afraid of because of my size. I am starting to feel trapped in my body and I have to stop it. I hate having my picture taken because of how I look, and I want pictures of my wedding day, beautiful pictures that I will want to share.

I am trying to plan a wedding that we can afford. He doesn't care much about it and would be perfectly happy going to the courthouse, but I want a simple ceremony, I already have figured out where the ceremony (state park- free) and the reception (his families lake- also free) will be, however thats about as far as I have gotten. My mom has volunteered to make the cake and I am crafting a cake topper out of sculpey (our Simpsonized selves). My future father in law also has a friend who can preform the ceremony. So so far I have spent 20.00 on Wedding stuff. I am going to have to wait on a dress, but since I hope to lose a massive amount of weight before then that works for me.

Well- thats all for now :)